What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
