so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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