i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
