Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
