I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
