My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
