Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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