you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
