I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
