So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
