i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
did you just send me my own nude
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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