Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize