An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
