The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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