I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
