it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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