I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
