What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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