Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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