well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
