I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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