Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My penis needs a shock collar
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
