Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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