i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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