dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
