Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
