Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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