The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
