Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
