just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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