you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
