I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The feeling are messing with the penis
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
