I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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