I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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