Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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