Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
