Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize