Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
