If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
