i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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