I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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