You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
