i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Everyone says I win the strip club
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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