There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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