i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
