Pants 0. Shit 1.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
