I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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