My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
