I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize