i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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