am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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