If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize