last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
