How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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