i just google imaged poop.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
