Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
