He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
