it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
