Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
