Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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