my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's Friday. Sex?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
