Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
