my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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