Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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